Recently, due to life, Nothin’ or Triple ended up on the nothin’ side of our bandwidth. In 2020, I’m committed to writing regularly about movies. What does “regularly” mean? Who knows!
As I’ve been diligently shunning a coherent editorial strategy, it occurred to me that I might lazily re-energize things with a semi-reliable digest — quick blurbs and unsolicited opinions about the latest news that I think you should know. I shall call it Real Reel News. Buckle up.
They aren’t too old for this shit
Doing promotional rounds for The Two Popes, producer Dan Lin revealed that Lethal Weapon 5 is gearing up for production, with Mel Colmcille Gerard Gibson, Danny Lebern Glover, and Richard Donner (which I just learned is a screen name for Richard Donald Schwartzberg) all back. Sorry, I just wanted to write out Mel’s full name and then got carried away. Anyhow, if Donner is up for making an action blockbuster at 90 years old, I will hand over my $20 to see it (or $5 if it’s a Discount Tuesday at AMC). Maybe Joseph Frank Pesci will return, too?
By the way, you can say “shit” in a G-rated movie trailer now. If it’s okay for a small child to hear, it’s okay for a large child to write.
X-Men in the MCUgottabekiddingme
This news is a week old, but apparently Kevin Feige met with Patrick Stewart about reprising his Professor X role in the MCU. I suspect that Feige either held the meeting under false pretenses so that he could meet Captain Picard in person…or he somehow forgot that the last X-Men movie lost $100 million and caused me to grab the barf bag when I finally forced myself to watch it on a plane. X-Men needs a totally fresh start and that means letting Stewart focus on his glorious return to Star Trek. Sir Patrick deserves better, anyway.
Let the past die. Kill it if you have to.
Lots of news from a galaxy far, far away, where we somehow must move past the fact that the sequel trilogy was mediocre at best, but most definitely a wasted opportunity. It’s time to think about what comes next.
- Taiki Waititi might be developing a new Star Wars movie. His episode of The Mandalorian was the best of the first season and its opening sequence was brilliant. Did you catch who played those two stormtroopers?
- Concept art from Colin Trevorrow’s Episode IX, Duel of the Fates, leaked. Honestly, it’s pretty nifty and would have looked really cool on screen.
- Also, test footage from George Lucas’ long-ago abandoned live action show Underworld has leaked. It’s also pretty nifty and would have looked really cool on screen.
- Finally, Kathleen Kennedy has suspended production on the Obi Wan show. I think it might be time for her to move on, unfortunately. To the Sarlaac pit.
F9: The Fast Saga: Quack Attack is Back, Jack
The ninth (or technically tenth) Fast and Furious movie is inbound. A melodramatic trailer teaser rips off the opening of Avengers: Endgame and features no racing or explosions. A series of character posters seem to suggest that Godzilla farted in the nail polish aisle of Claire’s while the cast was waiting in the parking lot. And the movie is officially titled F9: The Fast Saga, which is kinda like D2: The Mighty Ducks, except stupid. Anyway, as someone who has seen every one of these movies opening day…I have almost no interest in this one. Yet, folks, yet.
Oh! Speaking of The Mighty Ducks, quack attack is indeed back because the greatest fictional hockey coach of all time, Gordon Bombay (Emilio Estevez), will apparently be back for a Disney+ series.
- Jason Statham might star in an Expendables Christmas spin-off! If that isn’t high-concept, I don’t know what is. Also, this is all I want for Christmas, please. Seriously, this will be amazing!
- Actually, I also want the movie where Mel Gibson plays Santa and Walton Goggins plays a quirky assassin hired by a kid to kill him. Mel Gibson is no stranger to Christmas classics, having starred in Lethal Weapon and Daddy’s Home 2.
- Two new Transformers movies are being developed. Are we bring punished for something?
- The Batman has started filming, but I haven’t started caring. You’ve got some real work to do to win back my trust, DC! I liked Batfleck.
- Ron Howard is making a movie about the CIA and mob teaming up to take out Fidel Casto. Ron Howard voiceover: They didn’t.
- JJ Abrams is making DC movies and shows about the Justice League Dark characters. Ron Howard voiceover: He shouldn’t.
- Wes Anderson’s latest, The French Dispatch, has a release date and graphic nudity. Ron Howard voiceover: Thank God for at least one of those things.
Fun fact about Richard Donner: In the summer of 2001, my parents took me to LA to visit colleges. I knew I wanted to study film. We also toured the Warner Brothers lot, where I correctly identified a photo in the prop barn as being Walter Matthau as a teenager, won a t-shirt, and became a legend as the first person ever to get the right answer. The guy didn’t even actually have a t-shirt for a prize and had to go find one because he promised. Typical Hollywood lie.
But the real story is that, in the lot across from where Collateral Damage was unfortunately being filmed, a crew was constructing sets for…The Goonies 2, to be directed by Donner! We were that close to another adventure!